Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
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