Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
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