My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize