he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
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