I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
