Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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