The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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