I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
