am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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