anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
