nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
