The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
