I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
