i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
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