New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
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