omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
