the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i just had sex bonerless
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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