I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
he just fucked me for my cheese.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize