You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Randomize
