it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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