Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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