girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
