Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Enjoy the penises
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
