literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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