Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
