I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i love accidental penises.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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