tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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