The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
