just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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