I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
