What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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