I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
