I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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