Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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