Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
