if you like me you must not know who I am
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
