You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
cat food counts as protein by the way
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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