But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
