I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
