I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
