I think I won the penis lottery.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
