My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
