Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
