No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
