When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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