Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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