There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
