I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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