Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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