Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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