I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize
