just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
