fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
