I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
