Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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