Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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