I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
