all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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