Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
