dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
