my sisters under your porch take her home
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
