Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
