i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Randomize
