hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
