shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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